Dearest John, Theres been too many days where i haven't been able to tell you about everything. I have done so much in the last 5 years which has been cool but i cant help but feel saddened by the fact that when something amazing happens you aren't there for me to tell you. Even though i don't visit your grave everyday that doesn't mean i don't miss you. I am constantly thinking about you and missing everything we used to do together. Life is so unfair and i just wish you were here to make things more bearable. I hope you are smiling and laughing at all the mischievous things i get upto and in some way you are here with me. For me, most days i always imagine how different life would be if you were still here. How different we'd all be. I miss the little things the most, the playfights which annoyed everyone in the household, seeing your bedroom light on from my old room upstairs and us getting upto no good at school on the weekends. I have now been driving for 3 years, which is weird as i wonder if we would've had roadtrips. I am also 20 so i reckon by this point we would've had some pretty good nights out together. I just purely miss having you here. We went through so much shit together that no one can understand what our eyes saw or our ears heard that could affect us both differently at different stages. I wish you were here so that the older i got the less i would forget about the good things in our childhood. I wonder what you would be upto now, 22 years old now which is crazy as the last time we saw each other you were only 17. Must be weird for dad too as i was his last child but now the oldest hes ever had. Its the little things like that, that i think of. I hope you are okay and i am making you proud. Never forget the love and strong bond we had. I'll always love you Brother. God bless and sleep tight xxxx